Thursday, July 24, 2014

A letter to my sister or 8 Tips for Navigating your 20's


I know its been awhile since my last post and I apologize for this.  I have been making some life changes by really focusing on my yoga practice and spending a lot of time in the garden.  Family has always been very important to me and this time of year, being in a farm-family, there is a lot to do together.  

In June we lost my Aunt to a long battle with MS.  She was my mother's sister and my mother and grandmother have been affected in a way that surprised even them.  We knew her days were numbered the moment she received the diagnosis over 20 years ago, but when you loose a sibling (or anyone for that matter) a part of you dies.  There are memories locked within the relationship that sometimes only surface through the inspiration of the other.  Trying to unlock them, can be impossible without the help of your friend.  

My sister and I are 8 years apart, she the younger (and yet, about a foot taller) proved to be a challenging person to grow up with.  Mom called us the Sun and the Moon because we were polar opposites.  I was the girlie-girl, who was rather loud and full of energy and Chelsea was the uber tomboy, who was quiet and very laid back.  

When I discovered I was getting a little sister, I thought I was getting a cool doll...boy was I wrong!  If I gave her a wand, she'd flip it around and it was suddenly a sword!  Dress-up usually required some sort of bribe and any attempt to 'baby' her was brushed off...there's nothing like a two year-old looking at you as though you are the most lame person on the planet.   

Still, we have grown close and occasionally call each other to verify our own sanity when life has us down.  She has grown to be very computer savvy-which is awesome, since I'm very much not.  And she calls me when she needs to update her wardrobe (as long as I promise to contain myself).  I can easily call her one of my closest friends.  

The following is an email I sent my sister about a year ago.  I read it to my mother recently and through her encouragement, am sharing this with you now. 

Boog, this is for you:

A good representation of me (left) and Chels (right)


I read an article about dating in your 20's and I think it's pretty accurate. At least, it's accurate from my experiences, but still missing a few things...I can't tell you the secret to a great relationship or how to find your soulmate...what I do know, it's trial AND error THEN growth that creates a healthy dating enviorment. What I also know is that my 20's went by so quickly...there were so many lessons I learned-and just when I thought I was done learning the last one.  So here are some of my take aways:

1. Accept that you are forever changing.  As your knowledge-base grows, so does your awareness and perceptions.

2. Give yourself permission to change your mind.
 This is one of the biggest lessons I learned.  I was so adamant in sticking with what I've always said-I didn't take the time to listen to who I was at that time.  You probably won't change your mind on everything, but there may be big items you have a change of heart's ok.  I experienced it too ;)

3. Allow experiences to be lessons and not failures. I still struggle with this one.  I'd like to say it gets easier, but I'm not sure it does.  What I can say, is always handle things honestly and with the best of intention so you don't regret them...that's the only thing that I have found to help.

4. Make your home your own private oasis.
 I know you don't mind being at home, but I didn't always.  What I found was that my home wasn't a very fun place to be.  I kept having to leave for things.  I didn't like the way it made me's wasn't HOME.  So, I put some work into making my apartment MY home, through decor and adding features to my apartment to make it easier to live in.  I allowed myself to buy movies I craved (walmart $5 bin is great for this). Bought candles for their homey smells.  And I even got favorite recipes from mom and practiced them (meatloaf, biscuits, goulash, etc).  Cooking, is the fastest way to make your apartment feel like home.  I have quite a few of moms recipes on my foodigen blog-or just text me or mom and ask.  Keep in mind, she underestimates how much sugar she puts on if you're doing biscuits or cornbread, double check with me, lol.

...what does your home have to do with dating? Everything. Creating your home nurtures your soul and by nurturing your soul, you're allowing yourself to honestly open up to someone. It's a physical manifestation of who you are...which also, may make you more cautious of who you invite over. :)

5. Trust your gut. Always and in every situation.

6. Remember you're stuck with yourself, so you better be your own best friend.
 All of your friends (family) will suck from time to time.  They will disappoint, hurt you, say something mean or leave you completely.  It doesn't get easier, it doesn't make it right and usually there is little you can do to fix it.  Allow yourself to cry and be hurt or confused.  They may come back to you, and they may not.  Your friends for life, pass the 10-year mark...some get awfully close and still don't make it.  There's not a damn thing you can do to change that.

7. Always pair an disappointment/excuse with an apology AND a solution.  This is effective for work or personal and has saved me from getting in trouble in SO many situations!  People need to know you're factoring in their feelings/needs.  By offering a solution or apology you're showing them you're taking their needs seriously.

8. Don't stop reading books. They have a mystical way of translating into your own life...allow yourself to be impacted by them.  Allow the library to be your best friend.

Misc tips: always keep an extra corkscrew in your glove compartment, a bottle of wine in your home, always have a hostess gift on hand (candle from TJ Maxx or a btl of wine), hide money from yourself and learn to cook one simple meal. Oh, and when in doubt, always shave your never know when there's going to be a skinny dipping situation-no one ever plans those and they always happen when you have a weeks worth of fur! (You won't regret any skinny dipping situations you will in fact, wish there had been more opportunities to do it).

Sorry for the novel, an article I read made me think about you and some conversations we've had over the last few years about relationships and being in your 20's.

Love you,

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